As a child of the 1990s, I spent countless hours reading paperback novels from Ann M. Martin's ubiquitous Babysitters Club series. I had a mad obsession with the super special celebration something edition (I'm sure the numbers stretch into the thousands at this point, but I'm not about to google it and find out...) with its holographic silver cover that showed all the girls-at least eight of them-standing in front of an RV preparing for a cross-country road trip.
I loved that book cover, not just because it was covered in glitter, but also because it was fun and intriguing to study the illustration and try to distinguish each girls' image from the written descriptions in the books. Claudia was easy to pick out, she was half-Japanese. The same with Jessi, the only African American. Mallory had to be the red-head. Of the two blondes, one had to be Stacey and the other Dawn, but which was which? And the two with straight dark hair-they were surely Kristy and Mary Anne. That leaves the other random dark curly-headed one as Abby (where the hell did she come from, anyway?)
We easily know what Hae looks like. Her school pictures went public with the popularity of Serial. It fits with the descriptions of her appearance that Sarah and some school friends provide: She was Korean, and beautiful. She was tall, strong, and athletic. She had long black hair and a welcoming smile. But when it comes to what she was like, really like, Hae is much more difficult to place. Of all the choices presented, which girl is she?
It took me hours of squinting at that holographic book cover to see the Earth motif on one of the blondes' shirts and decide that she must be Dawn. A clue dropped in an earlier book told me the brunette with the shorter hair was Mary Anne. Yet still, I could blink, let the picture go blurry, and spend another afternoon re-examining each figure to assign a new identity. I've been studying Hae's case through Serial and Undisclosed for almost two years now. And I'm just starting to see her as who she was.
One reason I'm so attached to this case is that it feels like it happened in my backyard. I was a kid in elementary school in 98-99. My family lived in Virginia. In 2000, the same month Adnan was sentenced to life in prison, we moved to the DC area. We made trips to Baltimore to see baseball games and visit the aquarium. Though we actually resided nowhere near Woodlawn High School, it feels like Hae could have taught my sports camp, or adjusted my mother's glasses, or been my babysitter.
In the Babysitters Club books, a diverse group of teenage friends works together to run a business and spread good morals through their fictional town. They're not good books; they're very casual, low reading level, and there's this infinite mass of minor characters that you have to remember from book to book, but you are also re-introduced to all the time...and they're extremely unrealistic.
However, something about the aura of those books really comes out in Hae's case. All these kids from different ethnic backgrounds get along really well and support each other. Until the terrible tragedy happens, it's almost idyllic how this little magnet group can skate toward a future of college and success as the violence of Baltimore erupts around them. There's a picture of Hae and Adnan and some friends that's floating around the internet. Hae and Adnan are in the center. The photo is grainy and blurry, but I'm sure the black girl to the left of Hae is Aisha. Perhaps the other is Stephanie? Then there's a white girl, she might be blonde. Maybe Becky? Or Debbie? Or Krista? Whoever they are, they all look happy.
When it comes down to Hae herself, it seems like everyone who knew her has something to say about her personality. It doesn't tie up into a neat package of some positives and some negatives and some quirks. Perhaps it's because she's dead, but most of Hae's friends have only happy memories to share. Hae seems like one of the best people they've ever met. By the time I've sorted through what comes from Sarah, from the friends, from the teachers, and from the cops, I have so much information that it's almost impossible to squeeze it all into one short life.
On the surface, Hae seems like a very typical 90s teen. She dressed fashionably. Listened to K-Ci & Jojo. Snacked on junk food. Loved the popular romantic movies of the day. She picked her nail polish and chose favorite sports teams based on their colors and logos.
Hae was outgoing, friendly, and funny. She is described as always ready to tell a joke or make fun of someone to raise her friends' spirits. Hae seemed simultaneously deeply empathetic and remarkably thick-skinned as she picked at her friends and herself to make everyone smile.
Having come to the US from Korea when she was in middle school, Hae had huge challenges to overcome. English was not her first language, yet she spoke and wrote well. Jokes are among the most challenging things for language learners to understand and execute, yet Hae was an expert. She was smart and dedicated to her studies. Though her college plans are unknown, she set herself up well with a 3.8 GPA and after-school job suited to her desire to become an optician.
Hae loved sports. She played field hockey and lacrosse, and she managed the boys' wrestling team. She excelled at the sports she played, and tried to recruit her friends to join her on those teams. Hae won awards for being a strong player, and she was interviewed for a local news program on student athletes.
Hae is overwhelmingly described as responsible. She had good grades, and her family counted on her to pick up her cousin from elementary school. She also managed a chaotic and tight schedule involving school, homework, sports, her job, family commitments, and social relationships. Dates with Adnan and Don and "girl time" with Aisha and other friends pop up in her diary entries as often as accounts of school, sports, and work. Like Adnan, Hae seemed to work hard to keep all the balls in the air and stay in good favor with her connections.
However, Hae may not have been succeeding in all areas. Her relationship with her family was tense. She often fought with her mother (and/or perhaps her grandmother) about the time she spent with her friends, especially boys. She disagreed with her family about religion, and she desired more freedom than they were ready to give her.
While Hae had lied to her family frequently when she was dating Adnan, things seemed to escalate when she started dating Don. Maybe it was an age thing; Hae had recently turned 18, and Don was already 20 and out of school. Hae made it clear she was ready to be an adult. Maybe an immature Hollywood representation of an adult, but a grown-up all the same. Hae and Don went hard and fast in the 13 days they officially dated. Hae spent the night at Don's house at least once when she was fighting with her family, and just 5 days after their first date, Hae skipped a wrestling match she was supposed to score in order to hang out with Don at the mall (and notably, the police were not called for these "disappearances"). It's clear that Hae's interest in Don was drawing her away from family and extracurriculars. It may have been part of a vicious cycle (Hae dates Don, fights with family about Don, gets frustrated with family and spends time with Don...), but Hae never let this get in the way of arguably her most important responsibility, picking up her little cousin at school. The first time Hae failed to do that, it was because she was dead.
I often wonder what else Hae was up to. She had e-mail, and according to the cops, she was involved in "Asian chat rooms." I found out from Rabia and friends that Hae filled out an AOL profile with quips like "full time girlfriend" and "love and miss you Donnie," and "phone" and "partying" were among her listed interests. (Am I the only one who has no idea WTF "partying" means? Dancing? Drinking? Chatting? Eating chips? All of the above?) Hae's relationship with Don seems more open and action-oriented than her relationship with Adnan. We'll never know what Hae had on her AOL profile before she started dating Don, but I get the feeling she was less secretive about Don. Maybe she was happy his family was more open to dating, or maybe she was just excited about being with an older guy. Perhaps it was also driven by the rapid transition from "analog" to "digital" communication that happened around that time. But I do wonder if Hae got caught up and ended up posting too much information where too many eyes could see it, thus making her a target.
From what Hae's friends and teachers say, Hae wasn't bottling up her problems. She seemed to speak freely to classmates and even some adults about the highs and lows in her life. She was the same way with other people's problems. When Adnan told her the juicy gossip about a friend's boyfriend cheating on her, Hae wanted to warn her friend. She and Adnan argued about it; Adnan wanted her to chill out, and Hae wouldn't let it go. Hae also wasn't shy about asking for what she wanted. She pursued Don and asked him to take her out. This is healthy, confident behavior.
However, this behavior was categorized as unkind and stuck up in a few cases (Stephanie McPhearson and Jenn Pusateri both make this characterization). And really, I can see that. Not because Hae was necessarily stuck up, but because she was a confident. She made a lot of jokes, which it seems could sometimes be at people's expenses. She sometimes made unique choices, but seems to have had no problem defending them. I see how that could be annoying. And I see how it could be endearing.
So here she is, this responsible-yet-irresponsible, kind-yet-stuck up, unique-yet-mainstream, athletic, funny, loving, sweet, hard-headed, high-achieving, popularity-seeking girl who fought with her family and loved her friends and dated two boys in two months. I don't know her, but I know so much about her. I have so many snippets of Hae that it's challenging to line them all up. When guessing how she behaved in any given situation, I just have to roll the dice. Was she feeling loyal at that moment? To that person? Or did she feel more selfish? Crave the feeling of the wind in her hair as she drove with the windows down...?
The more I think about it, the more I wonder if Hae was trying to act out a sort of American dream she may have learned about far before she came to the United States. Hae was a bit beyond the intended age range for the Babysitters Club when she arrived in this country. But when I hear about all the various sides of her personality, I see her as athletic like Kristy, spunky like Claudia, dreamy and romantic like Mary Anne, boy crazy like Stacy, a budding environmentalist like Dawn... Most of the time I admire Hae for being herself, boldly and unapologetically. And then I blink, let her go fuzzy, and I wonder if she even knew who she was.
